I'm glad to have made it past the darkness...there was a point, where, I did not know if I could for another day. One day, I just stopped berating myself,second guessing. Now, I focus on rebuilding, it won't be the same. Never is. It will be better. Things happened for a reason, connections severed, hearts broken, it had to be ground zero in my life in order for me to rebuild. I got sick of repairing a collapsing building. Now, is the time for healing. Bye, bye regret. See you later, scared and timid person I once was.
Still a lot of work needed on the outside, the pain and trials show there, that's being improved. but inside, is coming along fabulously. It is a struggle, but no one ever said life was easy. I find things fall into place as I work on other areas. I'm more of a logical person now, more quiet, patient, keeping my anger in check. Some of you know that I have spent the better part of the last three months alone, by choice.( minus my trip to Quebec) I spoke few words, and have not seen anyone I am friends with since March 3rd, again by choice. Because my mind was in a bad place. I needed this time to clear my mind, to discover me, to hurt, and to heal. Being alone, can be a great tool. So much I took for granted...
A few days ago, I talked with someone I hadn't spoken with since last May. They said I literally acted like a completely different person. I didn't have to ask. I knew what they meant, and it didn't bother me. It wasn't a pretty picture. A spoiled rotten, selfish person who for some reason, could not see past their own misfortunes. The whole world weeps. Everyone hurts. We all lose. It's inevitable,and a gamble.
This period in my life, feels like the calm. The breaking point, the eye of the storm if you will. Surrounded by chaos, dark threatening clouds, with the sun momentarily shining upon me. Putting aside my pride, admitting the need for help, reaching for my lost family. Funny how it took 31 years to figure out these things. I am thankful for having those trials one after the other that brought me to my knees. Humbled. Don't get me wrong, I get pissed still about things, but the difference is now I think. Don't ask me to choice sides, or hate needlessly. Because I won't, no matter how the case is represented. Because It isn't my place. I've made my choice, and made my peace with above.
I'm standing true to my words, my actions. I strive to be a better individual, I am joyous when my friends are blessed. That blessing will come to me someday, my epic soulmate will appear on the horizon...
Change will always come, inevitable as the tide. Sometimes bad things happen, people fade, connections come unglued, because it's time. Not because of anything sinister, when one forces something to stay the same it goes all sorts of wrong. Relationships,Friendships,Fortune....if you love something or someone, let it go. If it was meant to be, they will come back. When we lose, it hurts. Denial furthers that hurt. Acceptance, floats the sinking ship. I'm happy to say, I am a work in progress. And my quilt is beautiful, as is yours. Live, people. Fearlessly.
Here's mine: I yelled at a spoon at the dinner table because the voices told me to Muahahaha!
I jumped on a banana in your bathroom because I think I need serious help!!
Pick the month you were born:
March----------I karate chopped
May------------I jumped on
July------------I did the Macarena With
August--------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October-------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over
Pick the day (number) you were born on:
7-------my mobile phone
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
11-------my science teacher
14-------a stuffed animal
19------- a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
25-------a football player
30-------a homeless guy
What is the last number of the year you were born:
1--------- In my car
2 --------- On your car
3 --------- In a hole
4 --------- Under your bed
5 --------- Riding a Motorcycle
6 --------- sliding down a hill
7 --------- in an elevator
8---------- at the dinner table
9 -------- In line at the bank
0 -------- in your bathroom
Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink-----------because I'm NOT crazy.
Red-----------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple---------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray---------- because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow---------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown---------because I can.
Other----------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself!
Now type out the sentence you made, in YOUR JOURNAL POST and SEND IT TO ALL your friends
a. I don't even feel it.
b. I stuck another contact in so it would stick to it as a suggestion, it went in and nothing.
c. I have no idea what to fucking do. The optometrist is telling me to go to the er, but mind you this is wal fart. I don't want syringes and forceps on my F*ing eyeball!! >:(
d. Of course this had to happen to me, and of course no one can even see the stupid thing on my lid, it's like NOWHERE!!
e. Yeah, I'm losing sleep over this, I slept all of 5am to 9amish.
Also, the optometrist who fitted my contacts hauled ass and moved and to Freakin' Arizona right after!! GRRR. So I have this guy Corey telling me he thinks it fell out one of the times I was messing with it...it's not there so where ever it is, no one can see it.
Beauty in the backyard
Originally uploaded by Digital.Captured.Essence
This to me is like the perfect woodsy picture. I love my photography so much, and even when things are dark this helps to shed a light. Because I did this. I captured that image and preserved it so that everyone else may enjoy it as well! I just wish a moose was there it would've been perfect!