Smell the rain. Talk hard. Love discernibly.

I'm glad to have made it past the darkness...there was a point, where, I did not know if I could for another day. One day, I just stopped berating myself,second guessing. Now, I focus on rebuilding, it won't be the same. Never is. It will be better. Things happened for a reason, connections severed, hearts broken, it had to be ground zero in my life in order for me to rebuild. I got sick of repairing a collapsing building. Now, is the time for healing. Bye, bye regret. See you later, scared and timid person I once was.

Still a lot of work needed on the outside, the pain and trials show there, that's being improved. but inside, is coming along fabulously. It is a struggle, but no one ever said life was easy. I find things fall into place as I work on other areas. I'm more of a logical person now, more quiet, patient, keeping my anger in check.  Some of you know that I have spent the better part of the last three months alone, by choice.( minus my trip to Quebec) I spoke few words, and have not seen anyone I am friends with since March 3rd, again by choice. Because my mind was in a bad place. I needed this time to clear my mind, to discover me, to hurt, and to heal. Being alone, can be a great tool. So much I took for granted...

A few days ago, I talked with someone I hadn't spoken with since last May. They said I literally acted like a completely different person. I didn't have to ask. I knew what they meant, and it didn't bother me. It wasn't a pretty picture. A spoiled rotten, selfish person who for some reason, could not see past their own misfortunes. The whole world weeps. Everyone hurts. We all lose. It's inevitable,and a gamble.

This period in my life, feels like the calm. The breaking point, the eye of the storm if you will. Surrounded by chaos, dark threatening clouds, with the sun momentarily shining upon me. Putting aside my pride, admitting the need for help, reaching for my lost family. Funny how it took 31 years to figure out these things. I am thankful for having those trials one after the other that brought me to my knees. Humbled. Don't get me wrong, I get pissed still about things, but the difference is now I think. Don't ask me to choice sides, or hate needlessly. Because I won't, no matter how the case is represented. Because It isn't my place. I've made my choice, and made my peace with above.

I'm standing true to my words, my actions. I strive to be a better individual, I am joyous when my friends are blessed. That blessing will come to me someday, my epic soulmate will appear on the horizon...

Change will always come, inevitable as the tide. Sometimes bad things happen, people fade, connections come unglued, because it's time. Not because of anything sinister, when one forces something to stay the same it goes all sorts of wrong. Relationships,Friendships,Fortune....if you love something or someone, let it go. If it was meant to be, they will come back. When we lose, it hurts. Denial furthers that hurt. Acceptance, floats the sinking ship. I'm happy to say, I am a work in progress. And my quilt is beautiful, as is yours. Live, people. Fearlessly.
  • Current Music

(no subject)

I've also decided that if I'm not better on my own significantly then now. I haven't slept. My body is refusing it. It has to be dangerous at this point. I woke up on Wed 10pm. It is now Friday 3:14am...I'm being punished for stupid decisions. I snapped under high stress and let this monster control my every movement, almost my every thought. I'm seeing my doctor on Tueday, completely clean. I've been clean since Monday. And I will tell you, it's been hell. I'm never doing this again. Letting this spin out of control. But the pain inside is what I'm most worried about. Gary took advantage of me when I was intoxicated, twisted me to do his dirty work, so he appeared innocent,the parania set in and he'd look straight faced and say calmly I don't know what your talking about. Even now, he is poking at me, saying little things to piss me off, saying I need help I'm an addict, etc. Yea, NO SHIT
duh stewie

I've been laughing my ass off at this stupid meme all damn day LOL

This is hilarious!!!! Please Don't spoil the fun, and keep it going............or we will know where it stopped!!! Type out the sentence you end up with and post it to your journal!!!

Here's mine: I yelled at a spoon at the dinner table because the voices told me to Muahahaha!
I jumped on a banana in your bathroom because I think I need serious help!!

Pick the month you were born:
January-------I kicked
February------I loved
March----------I karate chopped
April------------I licked
May------------I jumped on
June-----------I smelled
July------------I did the Macarena With
August--------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October-------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbour
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19------- a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an iPod
29-------a surfer
30-------a homeless guy
31-------a llama

What is the last number of the year you were born:
1--------- In my car
2 --------- On your car
3 --------- In a hole
4 --------- Under your bed
5 --------- Riding a Motorcycle
6 --------- sliding down a hill
7 --------- in an elevator
8---------- at the dinner table
9 -------- In line at the bank
0 -------- in your bathroom

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink-----------because I'm NOT crazy.
Red-----------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple---------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------  because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow---------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown---------because I can.
Other----------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself!

Now type out the sentence you made, in YOUR JOURNAL POST and SEND IT TO ALL your friends

Have fun!!
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

*STILL* no luck UGH >:(

I'm getting really freaking grumpy now.

a. I don't even feel it.
b. I stuck another contact in so it would stick to it as a suggestion, it went in and nothing.
c. I have no idea what to fucking do. The optometrist is telling me to go to the er, but mind you this is wal fart. I don't want syringes and forceps on my F*ing eyeball!! >:(
d. Of course this had to happen to me, and of course no one can even see the stupid thing on my lid, it's like NOWHERE!!
e. Yeah, I'm losing sleep over this, I slept all of 5am to 9amish.

Also, the optometrist who fitted my contacts hauled ass and moved and to Freakin' Arizona right after!! GRRR. So I have this guy Corey telling me he thinks it fell out one of the times I was messing with's not there so where ever it is, no one can see it.
  • Current Mood
    grumpy grumpy

HELP!! My contact lens got stuck behind my eye!!

I'm totally freaking out my contact lens is behind my eye. Well not behind obviously, but its stuck up in my eye lid, I don't even feel it. But I know its there, the stupid thing folded and fucking got stuck. I am SO freaking out. Has this happened to anyone before? I'm NOT going to the hospital where they will probably stick a needle in my eye, I'm sorry I just can't do that. HELPPP!!!!!!!! Has this happened to you? What did you do to get it out??? I seriously doubt after this that I will wear the damn things again. UGH. I've only been wearing the things for a month. (not the same pair)
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    scared scared

Livejournal clean up time

I have like 50 people on my friends list that just don't post or talk to me anymore. What I really would like is a small group of people I get to know and such. If we talk a lot your not on there, if so please don't take offense, if you really want to be back on leave a message.

Worst Tenants in History: caution:not for the weak...

I said I would post the videos of the god awful tenants of a friend of mine....this is horrible. Worst tenants I swear..dirty jobs? I think there's one to be had here..yes that's me talking I sound all weird because I had to hold my shirt over my face while I spoke. Not all Americans are this filthy, I swear.

  • Current Mood
    nauseated nauseated